Change is non-negotiable in life. You know this.
When we hit change, we tend to experience some blend of fear, unease, and restlessness.
And, that brings me to the next Lesson I’ve Learned as a innovative entrepreneur:
Your Fear is an Ally and a Teacher.
Fear can become your friend. Maybe not your best friend, at first, but one of the consistent companions around the “campfire” of life. Experiencing fear means that something in you doesn’t feel comfortable. And that awareness, friend, is a gift.
Fear can indicate that you are up to something in your life that requires you to grow.
And how MUCH we experience fear is a sliding scale.
Ideally, you want fear to activate you to engage and expand intelligently.
To do that, you’ve got to be uncomfortable enough that you are invested and paying attention. But, you also can’t be so terrified that you are overly reactive or shut down.
Somewhere between.
And that “between” will be different for all of us. And you can further develop your “in-between” as an activation edge. That’s expansive growth ( think stretching!).
(How exactly to do that is something I train ALL my people in and a topic for another time, perhaps.)
For our purpose today, I want to share a few core principles that can help you stop being bullied and backed into a corner by your fear and instead step into being a leader in your own life and more significant contribution.
So, here’s principle number one:
Let fear do what it’s going to do.
Seriously. Just for today—don’t try to fix it, shift it, get rid of it, or avoid it.
Let fear do what it does.
BUT. Here’s principle number two:
Put your focus INSTEAD on what you want more.
Desire (love) is more powerful than fear.
This last summer, I opted in for Operation Emma: a women’s specific expedition put on by Warrior Ranch. This experience was one of challenging growth that combined team building, wilderness survival, physical strength/stamina, and mental fortitude.
Two former military spec ops, one of whom was my husband (which just meant that he had insider knowledge into my strengths and weaknesses!), created this expedition.
These two leaders were heavily trained, and combat tested: (aka: people who know all about walking with their fear in the most visceral sense.)
A given in this experience was that each member of our five women team would face their fear and discomfort edge. We didn’t know when it would precisely come or what would be our “thing,” but we knew at some point in our weeklong experience, we would look our own personal fear response straight in the face and choose how we would respond.
Mine surprised me. A few days in, we already had challenges and successes under our belt. We were sitting around the campfire one night enjoying our fire talks and well-earned food when the announcement came. Tomorrow would be the self-repel day. Instantly, I saw in my mind the daunting rock face we had passed earlier. Immediately I felt the cold fingers of worry wrap their tendrils around my stomach. And, just like that-- there she was. My fear.
That night through fire watch, I tried to talk myself out of fear logically. No dice. I tried to be cool with it, strong, etc. But fear had me in her grasp, and she wasn’t going to let go without teaching me the lesson.
This inner wrestling match continued into the following morning, where I tried to choke down my breakfast, load up our gear, and start the morning hike to the face. I felt the rolling waves of nausea, the shaking unrest of my limbs. I felt it all. I had seen the other women on my team face their fears—and triumph-- in previous missions, and I knew it was my time.
The way I saw it, I had three responses available:
1. Don’t do it. That wasn’t an option for me. I was doing this.
2. I could continue to tangle with and resist my fear, try to armor up, and pretend to be tough. That wasn’t working anyway, but hey, always an option.
3. I could face fear as the companion and teacher she is, embrace the experience (and all of the sensations), and walk forward ahead anyway.
In that moment, I knew so clearly what I wanted. I wanted to be the kind of woman who chooses the 3rd option. I wanted to embrace the experience fully awake.
In that moment, I chose what I DESIRED, and that choice changed everything. It didn’t mean that any of the physiological survival sensations of fear went away. They had me all the way through the experience—trust me. It did mean that I embraced feeling it all, breathed through it, and focused on what I desired more. I wanted to be halfway down that rock face, turn around in the harness and take in the savagely beautiful view of this high mountain valley around me. I wanted to be one with it all and to take that experience home with me.
You may have had moments in the past where your fear has gotten the better of you. I know I have. But that doesn’t need to define you forever. You can choose to embrace your fear, learn from it, develop better skills to work with it, and continue to advance.
What do you fear?
How do you know what you fear?
Here are some subtle indicators I’ve seen from my own life of growth and my work with clients.
¨ You know what you fear by what you avoid.
¨ You see what you fear by what you hope never to face.
¨ You see what you fear by what you try to control.
¨ You know what you fear by what you can’t seem to ever decide on.
So, I’ll ask again. What do you fear?
AND: What do you want MORE than to avoid the fear? What outcome would make experiencing the nerves and challenge MORE than worth it in the end?
That is the way of growth and courage.
If you do, like me, choose the path of courage, I need to mention something.
Self-awareness, honesty, and capability need to go hand in hand with courage and fear.
It’s not an intelligent decision to feel the fear and do it anyway when a real risk is on the line, AND your skills/experience aren’t yet up to par.
In the above story, we had already been taught what to do. I also had experience with rock climbing repel before, AND I had the steady knowing that I had a team and two guides with me the whole time. I was still terrified—yes. But I was scared WITH SUPPORT and SKILL. Major difference.
If you are choosing the path of growth for yourself, please drop the need to do it alone.
Don’t just be honest about your fear.
Be honest about your blind spots and your gaps (both knowledge gaps and skill gaps).
Drop your ego’s need to prove you can do it all by yourself and invest in help.
It doesn’t mean anything “less” about you. It means maturity.
I work with some of the most intelligent, qualified, innovative people I’ve ever met. Some of whom have far more advanced degrees than I do. It’s an honor for me to work with them.
They hire me because they are smart enough to know they don’t know everything. Maybe they’ve got some pieces of the puzzle they just can’t figure out, and their GOAL/VISION means enough to them that it’s worth hiring me to help them figure that out more efficiently.
They also know the nature of trailblazing a new path (personally or within their industry). In trailblazing, they know that having someone who understands challenge, transformation, and development by their side gives them a distinct advantage. They are hungry to play their edge to expand their impact and grow. Whatever their motive, I respect them for bringing me in to walk their path with them.
In summary, I want to leave you with this--- that you can play life in a few different ways:
1. Seek ease by dialing back all your goals, ambitions, and desires.
2. Dial up your grit and try to white-knuckle through the best you can with the knowledge and skills you have.
3. Let your desires be compelling and commit to intentional, skin-in-the-game growth. Choose to LEVEL UP how you well you walk with fear.
The third way allows you to live with power, strength AND sensitivity, and grace. It’s life in full color. For me, it’s a non-choice—but how about you?
Whether your embrace it, avoid it, deny it—fear is going to do its thing. It’s the nature of the beast. But let the fire of your desire be your guiding light.
Be courageous!