We are “supposed” to be interested in personal growth. Aren’t we-- as responsible humans-- supposed to want to pursue optimization, potential, and our “next level”?
Is there ever a time when personal growth is toxic and making us sick?
I believe that growth, like anything else, can take two distinct directions. Growth can create more pressure and anxiety (think hamster on a hamster wheel that is never allowed to stop). And growth can create more freedom, joy, and expansion (think of consistently training for that amazing marathon you’ve always wanted to do…and then the joy of DOING it).
And it’s not “growth” that is to blame. It’s where that growth is coming FROM that makes the difference. (By the way, growth can—and does—work from both places. But it is about choosing the experience in personal growth that you want to have).
Where I’ve seen a toxic experience of personal growth is when it comes from:
1. Inner disconnection or deficiency: “I’m not good enough as is” (flawed, behind, unacceptable, etc.), so I’ve got to get better.
2. Outer orientation and criticism: OTHER people are criticizing, manipulating, or shaming you somehow that you aren’t “up to snuff” you should get it together or work harder.
Let’s do a short inquiry together:
Take an area of your business or life that you’ve been working on or wanting to change.
· What are your motivations behind wanting to grow or expand?
· Does that motivation create heaviness or anxiety, or does it create open possibility?
· And, if you have experienced growth as pressure to perform better---what was the number one agenda of the person/voice telling you that?
Were they driving sales in a company? (There are whole business models built on this type of motivation.)
Were they making YOUR success mean something about their own success, somehow?
And, take those messages you hear in your Inner Critic or those outside driving voices:
· Would you ever say those things to a child?
· What WOULD you say to a child about growth?
· How would you describe development?
Truth: MOST kids love growing and learning (we are built for it)…until there seems to be some form of worth/acceptance/pressure attached to it. Until the reason why means something beyond, “because it’s fun to grow. It’s FUN to see how high you can jump, or how fast you can run, or how good you can paint.”
As a professional that specializes in the fields of performance psychology, self -leadership, and mastery—I am all-in when it comes to developing ourselves into our full, expressed, liberated potential. AND, I have also seen again and again weaponized self-growth:
Weaponizing is when GOOD principles around topics like growth mindset, being coachable, authenticity/vulnerability, or commitment are twisted to mean something that increases shame, fear, compliance, and hiding. It’s when incredible research is used in such a way that it resembles a torture device rather than an exciting new possibility.
I don’t think this type of toxic twisting is typically done on purpose. I think it happens when groups of people or individuals read or listen to the latest pop psychology and then try to use it with a lack of skill or with an agenda (aka to “make” their people do stuff). I think this type of misuse is inevitable when helping someone means to “tell them what they should do,” or one decides they are suddenly an amateur or untrained coach, expert, or psychologist. Without going TOO much into what it means to be qualified, please know, there’s TRAINING, respect of the craft, and real experience to be had, people! And there is a difference between reading a few books or attending a weekend seminar versus years of committed study and supervised experience. I’m the last one to discourage anyone from feeling like they can help someone. I do believe in being honest about the bounds of your expertise, though.
Here’s the truth.
When it comes to your WORTH or VALUE, you don’t HAVE to do anything. You don’t have to become anything more than you are. You don’t have to create anything extraordinary in the world.
Be GOOD. Be WELL. Be WHOLE. Be FREE.
And, if there is something in you that inspires you to grow, that’s also an option in life. Humans are built to excel!
Find an experienced coach/mentor/voice who can help you clarify what you want and who invites you to create from possibility/freedom/expansion. It’ll be a game-changer.
You have LIMITLESS developmental potential. And, there is nothing that says you NEED to live into that potential. It’s merely an option. And, developing into a more excellent capability doesn’t need to mean more tortured performing, shame-fests, conditional regard, or proving worth.
Every year, when I work with clients—inevitably, I connect with a few who come to me wounded in some way by a misunderstanding of growth, next level, success, or high performance. (I’ve been there in the past, too, so I get it). They hire me to MAKE them do more, become more worthy, or go faster. They’ve developed a mental stumble-step around what they want or think they can do that’s now weighing them down. It’s common that somewhere down the line, being all-in on growth was used as a metric for “worth” or “acceptance”.
For these clients, before we can train, discover, or develop their potential, we FIRST have to slow down and look at the truth of the hurt/fear/confusion/misunderstanding. That’s where we address the MISALIGNMENT. Then we can redefine and reorient their lives to those terms differently --- that’s ALIGNMENT. They are then ready to be honest about what, in their heart of hearts, is the TRUE LIFE they want to lead.
At that point, game on! Our journey together becomes one of joy as they step into the inspiring process of creation. They do so in a way that is ALIGNED and feels better for them, expresses their values, and enhances their unique energy.
That’s when Greatness comes from WITHIN…from heart…rather than the driving whip of fear.